Hello again, from…the future.
As you may think from the title, I don’t mean the North/South Korean crisis. No, what I mean is the Korean bubble. Even more specific is the gay part.
See, Korea is an odd place. While they may be somewhat technologically advanced, the rest of the culture is nearly straight from the 50’s and 60’s. Women are paid less than men still. The entire place is horribly homogeneous and there’s a large amount of government intervention in what the people think. Example: I have a coworker (sweet gal, but horribly naive) who honestly believes there’s no such thing as a gay Korean. This thinking is not just limited to her. Really? Ok, here we go.
Firstly, there are gays in every country. The problem is that some cultures don’t accept homosexuality and thus those who are batting for the same team must conceal themselves. Korea is no different. My coworker’s explanation for homosexual activity in Korea is simply that they’re “having fun.” Well, this brings me to tonight (not that odd,strangely unstraight things haven’t happened to me before, both at home and in Korea, but this was so unnerving that I had to write about it). My best friend here, Reuven (yes, that’s with a “v” not a “b”) and I were hitting up our favorite bar, previously mentioned in my last post, called Kooma. It turns out that three of the four bartenders that were here when I got here are all leaving. Ami (the barmaid that deleted all my photos) and Bany have already left, and Kaden (one of the guys) is being let go tomorrow, so we went over thinking that Kaden might be drinking with us tonight (if not tonight, definitely tomorrow). So while we were having our beers and playing our darts as we normally do, we got the not-so-rare customer who sees us playing and decideds to play before we can use up all of our credits on the dart machine. Big deal; whatever, right? Well, one big thing about Korea is that everyone drinks and everyone is usually drunk by around 10pm. And I don’t mean that about us foreigners. This can lead to some strange ordeals.
We relinquish our command over the dart board and we’re having our pitcher when these drunk guys and their lady-friend (who is apparently famous here somehow) take over. One guy in particular is absolutely smashed and after he finds out that I’m only 22, thinks that we’re chingus (brothers…he’s 27), so he starts up on me, speaking Korean. I tell the guy that I don’t understand a lick of what he’s saying, but given his state, he doesn’t give a damn. I’m his chingu and that’s all that matters to him. So he starts giving me these big hugs and wanting me to shoot his darts for him while he’s cheering and yelling “champion,” even though my rounds were not that good at all. After that first dart that I threw, he starts hugging me and practically rubbing up on me.
It was only a matter of time (only a few minutes, really) before this guy is uncomfortably close. Yeah, I’ve been drunk and had my arm around my best friends, telling them how awesome they are. In fact, I’m sure many of us have been there, but this guy in particular was crowding my personal space. I’m standing there, looking at my buddy with the look of “get me the hell out of here” while he’s laughing his ass off. This guy starts kissing my hand after his every-two-second hand shake and he even put his pucker on my neck.
Before you start with your “Andy, you’re homophobic” stuff, hear me out. I’ve been hit on by homosexuals plenty of times. Honestly, I don’t care. I find it flattering. The way I see it, if there’s a gay man out there who finds me attractive, there’s got to be a woman out there who thinks the same. While that reasoning may be flawed, I still believe it. And while this guy was all upons and buying us drinks and such, there’s one thing you should know. There’s a large percentage (I’ve heard about 80%) of Koreans who have the herp-a-lurp. Hell, I have students who come in all the time with herp sores around their mouths. It’s sad to me because they don’t know any better and grow up thinking it’s nothing. But to us foreigners, it’s a virus that nobody fuckin’ wants. I’m no exception to the rule.
So this guy is rubbing up on me, kissing my hand and once my neck, then drinks my beer from my glass and tries pouring me some from his glass. I’m practically freakin’ out because I think this guy is about to up and try and make out with me. Not to mention I was worried about the lurp. Every time we toasted, I pretended to drink while getting my lips only somewhat near that Cass (popular Korean beer that we always get). I’ve not had the herps. Ever. I do not want the herps. Ever. Every day that I’m here, I fear that I have the herp simply by being around students who have it and even coworkers. That and most of the silverware we use I don’t think is sanitized properly, so I’m constantly worried I’ve contracted the virus. After this overly affectionate gentleman was taken from the bar by his drunk friends (he tried to take me with him, but I “ani”d [said no. ani = no] the hell out of that, I went straight to the restroom, washed the hand and neck he was macin’ on and bit off a piece of soap to wash my mouth out, just in case. While you may say that’s dirty, really, only us wegugin (foreigners) use soap in Korea, so I figured I’d stick with something clean.
This isn’t the first time that something like this has happened to me here. It’s just the most extreme example so far. We’ve had men want to lick the salt off of us when we take tequila shots. We’ve had men want to compare penis sizes. We’ve had men who want to do Korean couples’ shots with us (that’s once interlocking arms, once around the back and once swapping mouth fluids). We’ve had men who just start massaging us at the most awkward times. I don’t know what the deal is, but this country truly needs to come out of the closet. Honestly, no one would be offended by it. No one would be horribly put off by it, but I can certainly tell you that “just having fun” is not the word I would use to describe what’s going on. Hell, just look at these guys. Yes, they’re “having fun,” but is that really all?
Again, I don’t want to sound like I’m hating on anyone. I just wish that this country could accept a particular way of life without having to have people repress themselves and confuse the hell out of us foreigners.
Well, that’s really all I had to say. I’m going to go and wash my mouth out with listerine…again. Until next time, here are your lottery picks from…the future: 12, 19, Mark Hamill.